I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize