I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize