if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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