alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
