boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
