remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
