You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
