2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
