I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
