Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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