every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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