Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
