I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
