There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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