this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
