If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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