you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
