I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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