I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
