i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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