if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
