dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
