Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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