ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So many bounce houses so little time
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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