Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
