Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
