I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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