I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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