um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
