Soap is not a condiment
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
