Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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