she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
