Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
