just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
