This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
