Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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