Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
