I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
