Can i not drive my cunt home
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
