I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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