My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize