You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
