dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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