Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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