We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
