My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
