I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize