Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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