i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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