I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
