Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
