i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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