Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
