I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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