who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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