Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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