You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize