how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
