Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
