I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
