his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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